Honoring Parents: Is Going No Contact Biblical?

When Families Cut Ties

God included in the Ten Commandments the command to "Honor your father and your mother" (Exodus 20:12). Honoring parents is so important that Paul tells us it comes with the promise of long life (Ephesians 6:2). God knows that honoring our parents is important, not only for our families but for society as a whole. When this honor is not received, as parents, it can wound us deeply.

When the phone doesn't ring and we know it will never be our child calling, or there's a knock at the door and we know without looking we won't be greeting our child, we may feel sorrow, shame, or even question, "What did I do?" No more family gatherings on holidays, no more visits to "grandma's house," is a sad reality for some parents.

Family estrangement or "No Contact" (NC) is becoming an increasingly common experience for families. In these cases children may decide to completely cut all ties with their parent(s). This includes blocking phone numbers and even social media. Obviously, this is devastating to parents because children are one of our greatest blessings.

Scripture sends a different message about how we treat our parents. We live in a time when our personal happiness is often viewed as the only thing that really matters. Should an adult child choose no contact simply because they don't like some of the ways they have been treated? What does that have to do with honor?

What It Means to Honor Parents

But what did honor really mean in Jewish culture? When the Israelites heard these words, they understood it to mean more than simple obedience. To honor parents meant to know they were significant in your life and respected. It was also a duty to support them in a real way, especially in their older age (Matthew 15:3-6). The expectation was that you would speak up for them when someone disrespected them. Honoring them was a way to show thankfulness, for without them you would not be here.

The opposite of honor was to curse. And this meant to make light of them or treat them as worthless to you. Dishonor could also involve neglect, contempt, and failure to provide proper care for them.

Honor and Love

You may wonder why the commandment says to honor parents but does not mention specifically to love them. We are called to love all people, but in this Commandment the focus is honor. Honoring, like love, is something we actively choose to do. They both involve choices, actions, sacrifice, and concern for another person's good. What every parent wants is both honor and love.

Why Some Children Cut Contact

Honor, however, does not mean children should tolerate physically or mentally abusive situations. But not every case of no contact is about safety. Our adult children can set boundaries, but sometimes children set boundaries that go too far without good reason. Healthy family relationships never revolve around the wants and needs of only one person.

Does the Bible permit going no contact with a parent? Scripture doesn't tell us to remain in abusive or destructive situations. But protecting ourselves from abuse is not the same as cutting off a parent simply because we disagree with them or are unhappy with their decisions. That is where honor too often goes missing.

Christian parents view their children's behavior through the lens of the moral teachings of the Bible (1 Corinthians 6:18-20). Parents may disapprove of a behavior while still deeply loving their child. Yet some adult children hear a parent's legitimate concerns as rejection, and they respond by pulling away. Scripture says parents also have responsibilities.

Parents Have Responsibilities Too

When parents humbly honor God and show honor to their own parents even though they may disagree with them, they become a role model for their own children. Modeling honor is our responsibility. We love our children whether or not they honor us. Christian parents also have certain obligations to their children beyond just loving them.

Scripture tells us in Proverbs 22:6, "Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it." And in Deuteronomy 6:6-7 we read again about the importance of training children in the Word,

"And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up."

As parents, have we neglected to teach our children about God? Have we failed to tell them of the wonderful things He has done for us (Psalm 78:5-6)? Often as parents we pass that responsibility on to the church believing that our children will get all they need about God from there. But our children need to hear about God from us. They need to know that God has worked actively in our own lives.

Although children make their own decisions about following Jesus, when we teach them about loving God, honoring parents, obedience, and forgiveness they will have a better foundation for their relationships with other people, including us. There are things we can do when they are young, like having family prayer time together, that will help them grow in their love of God. Scripture also has something to say about ways parents should not treat their children.

Paul warns parents in Colossians 3:21 and Ephesians 6:4 not to "provoke your children." Parents have a duty to discipline their children in a just way, modeling the righteous justice of God, not with cruelty, humiliation, demands that are unreasonable, or favoritism towards other siblings. When children are routinely provoked it can lead to discouragement, resentment, and even broken relationships. Have we, as parents, damaged our relationship with our children by routinely treating them like this?

Honoring Imperfect Parents

And then there are the parents who have addictions, unlawful behavior, or the ones who may be nonbelievers. Are we still expected to honor them under these circumstances? You may be surprised to know that yes, even deeply imperfect parents should be honored. Honor doesn't always require contact. In cases of real harm, honoring them may mean praying for them, refusing to speak badly about them, and treating them with basic courtesy from a safe distance.

As children, we don't approve of their behavior nor do we support or enable it. But we can separate the person from the addiction or other bad behaviors. People still have worth even though we don't excuse their behavior. They may not even love God but they are still created in His image. They may be deeply flawed but we can admit that we are flawed too. Our own failures should remind us that because our parents aren't perfect but that doesn't take away our responsibility to honor their God-given role as parents.

Forgiveness and Family Reconciliation

There is no job more difficult than parenting. The responsibility is enormous. Some of us fail at it, while others do a much better job. Most of us are somewhere in the middle. We have regrets, but we can ask forgiveness from both our children and God. We can also honestly admit that we haven't always been the perfect parent, but that doesn't make us responsible for every choice a child makes. And when our children don't show the love and respect that we want to see, we still need to forgive them as Christ forgave us.

Problems come though when children reject their parents out of resentment, pride, or an unwillingness to forgive. They may have focused almost entirely on how their needs may have not been met. Don't we all do this at times? But sometimes it is harder for children to understand that their parents are only people.

When parents fail us, do we see the importance of forgiving them? Forgiveness should come from parent to child and child to parent. Hopefully then there will be reconciliation. Reconciliation may not be possible but until we reach out to one another we will never know.

Without forgiveness we become bitter, angry, and unhappy people. We may think we are better off when we cut off our parents completely from our lives but we aren't. Parents may have done some legitimately terrible things to us, but our response should be to pray for them and to pray for ourselves to embrace forgiveness. As children we may feel unloved, devalued, or judged but the Lord's commandment is clear—honor is due our parents regardless. 1 Peter 2:17 explains that we should "honor everyone."

God Can Transform Families

2 Timothy 3:1-5 tells of a future time when people will be lovers of themselves, disobedient to their parents and unforgiving. Perhaps this is the future some of us are living in. But our families don't have to be this way.

As wounded parents we can take practical steps to restore, if possible, our relationship. We can pray, always keep our door open, apologize without conditions if it is appropriate, or try Christian counseling. Above all, our children need to know that we are always there for them regardless of the circumstances.

God is in the business of transforming lives. What that means is that change is possible. Both parents and children can forgive. Both parents and children can learn to place each other's needs above their own. Both parents and children can turn to Christ for salvation and in that experience the Holy Spirit can make what seems impossible, possible. Our prayer is that this will happen and we will both honor and love those who made life possible for us.